10 August 2017

Amelia, Meredith and Mummy 1 Year 8 Months

Meredith at 1 year and 8 months old

How did time pass by so fast when you look back, but when you're going through it, it felt so slow. I guess when you are going through tough time, that's when a minute can feel like forever.

Now that i'm looking back at all these photos and video i took during these few months.. I am very thankful i took all these pictures. Cox i can't be sure to say i was really there, even when i was.

Maybe my head was elsewhere, maybe i was drifting along, maybe i had gone through the motion, i don't know. But at least i have these pictures to bring me back to think about how much fun Meredith had.. How much she smiled, how much people around me love me, and these will bring me back, back to living on my feet. And it will always remind me to walk on earth.. Read "To walk", not to try to fly. And not to run too much. To take it slow, to breathe. To be in the being, and not to dwell in the past. To keep moving even if it's against the tides. To re-route if i have to.

You know, reminders are reminders for a reason haha. It's becox you keep forgetting about them.

Now i feel like i'm going through some post-trauma recovery stage, seriously. I told Josh i thought i would be like LALALALALA~ after the lawsuits ended but surprisingly, it doesn't work like that.

Now without having to push through to see the lawsuits to its end, i have the time to re-run it in my head. To really think about what and why it happened, instead of just figuring how to get through it.

And it's like a nightmare haunting me, i am not even joking.

I think the best way to get over something that haunts you is to face it, acknowledge it, don't label it, and then dismiss it. If you just try to dismiss it before undertsanding and accepting it, it would come back to haunt you. Like there's no closure for your beaten soul that went through so much with you haha.

I haven't reach there yet, when i do, my soul will be at peace hahaha. These days i find myself fighting bigger power. Everyday i challenge them in my head with "whys" and with "If you're there then show me".

Nothing. I see nothing that's why i am angry becox i choose to believe they exist, all my life, that there's something bigger, something Almighty, someone who is kind, someone who watch over us.

But if he/ she is watching over us, why does bad things happen to good people. Why decent people have to fall so sick and be trapped in situations that make them feel so helpless and make them feel they have nothing to offer to this world which has nothing good to offer them as well.

Is it true some people were born to 受苦 and then leave quietly as they had come?

Not me lah, at least i am still healthy and i have my family and friends and my kids.. I am really quite lucky in many sense already, i know.

I am just talking about, if there's a god, why then, are some people suffering. I watch documentaries online and on the TV, and i read true stories and reporting on newspaper about little kids having cancer and little toddlers fighting some illness. WHY????????? THEY ARE JUST KIDS.

Why do they have to go through that? Everytime people say "everything happens for a reason" WTF REASON IS THERE TO UNDERSTAND FROM KIDS HAVING TERMINAL ILLNESS????

To learn how is it to have love and lost for the parents? I don't understand. Becox there's nothing the kid will learn except just to be brave be brave be brave while facing impending death.

Little kids falling sick are the worst thing. I send good thoughts to all parents with kids, for their kids to always be healthy and happy. Becox this is the only wish i have for my kids.

Now i send good thoughts, i don't go through god or whatever i just send directly to whoever i wanna send it to. Later god too busy forget to listen to my prayers again =) So whatever okay. Everything 靠自己. I am on a strike with a belief i grew up with becox my beliefs were being challenged and it didn't come out to prove anything solid.

Funny how when i was going through the tougher time, i didn't feel like god was helping me but "god" was the only thing i could hold on to to keep faith. That god (whoever he/ she is, if he/ she is even there) didn't come to rescue me in time so now i'm still alive but really quite dead inside.

It felt like as much as i wanna stay positive, i've already been eaten alive inside. It's done deal, that's how it feels like right now.

I will need to jiayou to move pass this stage haha and when i do, i will let you guys know again.

Have you ever been through a stage like that? A stage where you just don't believe in god anymore and you wonder why you even ever believe god exist in the first place. By god i don't mean any god in particular okay. Just good big power, god. I put "god" in synonymous with "good" you know.

If Good big power exists, then why more and more bad things happen. You know? Is it fucking with you for fun, or what?

The world is growing so fast, people are working faster, earning more, yet the only thing that isn't growing (bigger) is our hearts. There's a campaign for everything, we need a campaign for people to grow bigger hearts haha.

Or we should just give birth to more of these little creatures..

Their hearts are smaller in size but bigger in capacity!!! Here's Meredith looking so happy with the news shoes aunty Cheesie got for her haha.
Having fun in school with Teacher J ^.^ We miss teacher J sooooo much T.T
Pontang school to go staycay with godma thanks to Carcove laoda and dasao *hearteyes* Before they arrived i went to jalan jalan with Meredith at MBS and i am not joking ah, she reallyyyyy hang around all these big brands de shopfront and stood there touching the brand names waiting for me to take pictures LOL. I never ask her to stand there and pose okay hahaha. Her favourite was LV wth hahahaha. She knows nothing about the brands i think she's just curious about the lightboxes haha.
To Art Science Museum with the little ones haha!
With Jacus who is channeling the 花花公子 vibes that day hahaha.
Went swimming with Gan Ma and Meredith! First time we experience the MBS infinity pool okay!
Thank you Michelle Thian for the picture hehe.
After Michelle and i return from the movie gala we brought Meredith out for a quick walk haha. She very havoc okay if you'd watch the video you'd see her dancing to the club music as we walk pass lol. Always stay curious and always learn about new things, Meredith.. ❤︎
One night i'd always remember =D
Room service with fried rice leftover from their dinner =D
After supper she promptly fall asleep haha. I honestly don't remember if i showered that night LOL.
Next morning breakfast =DDD It's the first time ever she ate so much at breakfast hahaha. And also the first time she tried to eat orange becox i never offer her before becox.. I don't like orange LOL.
Look at her face, i'm not sure if she likes it..
Or not. Haha.
First time peeling an egg =DDD Now she pro okay. We say she and Jamie (who's good with plucking vegetable stem LOL) can go open chup cai bng stall together haha.
After staycay we go gan ma house chill. Gan ma leaving for work but Meredith 死赖着不走 haha.
Helping my sister's friend advertise for free haha.
Yuxuan so happy Meredith so vogue haha.
But actually both cheeky ahaha.
What face is this Meredith? Haha.
Awww.. What a priceless smile. And those fringe. Yuxuan should get protection order for her fringe against ah bong wth.
Just another day in school haha. I love Teacher J so much also becox she sends lotsa pictures so i know what Meredith is doing in school! Then i can communicate with her about it and ask her about it.
Er.. My dad bought this set of beautiful outfit for her =) LOL.
And the worst thing is.. She loves it. LOL. Whatever fashion sense i've tried to instill in her didn't work.
Yeye's taste in fashion ftw sibo? Lol.
Taking pictures for outfit features.
Papa shiok until lol.
To Chinatown for lunch.. I don't even remember who took this picture.
Told Cheesie "let's go somewhere fun and free of charge" LOL. And i raved about how awesome our national library is. It really is quite awesome. It has this tree house feature where we can read and chill.
Meredith finding her reads. We read about 10 different books that day.
But her favourite to read again and again was this book about the 3 little pigs haha. It has different textures in it and she loves it. Showing Junya her favourite book here hehe.
And then go and disturb Sakura HAHA.
You tell me lah, annoying or not hahaha.
Poor Sakura hahaha kena traumatised when Cheesie go toilet hahaha.
Brought Cheesie to Arnold's becox she always hiam our Singapore all sweet-base one haha i say Arnold's chicken confirm not sweet. But actually end up the chili also is sweet lol.
Woah my daughter so pretty LOL.
She's getting very good with pictures haha.
Every day i'd try to find something for her to play after she wakes up from her nap at home.
I remember sitting here, thinking how lucky i am with a healthy Meredith and a growing Amelia inside me.. And then i look at those clouds and i'm thinking "看什么看, I am happy here, you can come at me if you want" And i guess it really did LOLOL. But hey, i survived =D Haha.
Michelle really stepped up her game as world's best godma hahaha.
She love these three little mouse from IKEA! White one is papa mouse, brown is mama mouse and the grey one is Meredith mouse =)) She sleeps with them also okay. Kids are sooooo pure..
Filming with these lovely ladies =D Vomit =)
No edit. Omg i need to be skinny again LOL.
One night Josh called out to me "Darling, come and see this" I was like omg what is it must ask me walk to the back lol. And then we saw the brightest crescent moon and a super bright star beside it.. T.T It was very beautiful.. I appreciate little things like that so much.. I don't know, i guess maybe god do exist. If not, who made all these beautiful things.. Right? Not human, not out of nowhere =') I will be with "good" again and then i'd be okay again very soon.
Twinning to go to our first kid's birthday party ever~!!!
She's so happy in the baby pool~!!!
Maybe becox got hamsum boy wth HAHA. Birthday boy Lucas looking soooo cute!!!! Oh but then the fringe must cut so short also is it? LOL.
Aiyo aiyo.. Is it 深情对望..
Awww what a shy smile, Lucas..

My daughter brow game: Level Anastasia Beverly Hills. LOL.
Please stay forever this happy you guys.. T.T
请不要装帅 Lucas hahaha.
Home for weekend with Yurou jiejie stayover ='))) Now i remember.. These were the little comfort and happiness i lived for, that kept me alive.. T.T
Trishaw ride with the two of them singing along.. Something funny happened okay LOL.

We were on the trishaw correct, then Josh cycle quite far away then Yurou kept saying "Where are we going? You sure you know the way back? Are we lost? I can't see your house anymore"

So i told her actually we are a bit lost. Sometimes if yi zhang (Josh) lost his way then we will just see which house have their lights on, then we'd go knock on their door and ask if we could stay the night loh. Becox it's so dark and late at night, we cna't find our way back, no choice.

Then she really panic you know. She sat straight up and kept looking around and kept asking me how, how, how hahahaha.

I see she was genuinely so worried so i burst out laughing "BLUFF YOU ONE LAH!!! SIAO AH YOU THINK WE HANSEL AND GRETAL IS IT get lost in the woods then go knock on random people door meh HAHAHA"

She hear liao also laugh until want die hahahahaha. This Yurou really very very kia si lol.

Whole family go support Lulu movie haha.
The boys.
See i told you, every night. Sleep with mouse haha.
I had to do some filing or go lawyer's office or something i can't remember. So best godma in the www bring Meredith out with her friends to the aquarium. She explores so much with other people. Becox her mother this one cannot touch that one cannot play =XXX Becox dirty =XXX Hahaha.
One with Michelle Thian.
Lucky girl. Thank you Sandy 姑娘 and Miss Quek!
Meremaid lai liao. Haha.
Meremaid 的脚可以关起来吗 please lol.
Erm godma please maintain don't need so insta-worthy lol.
And again, please take note. LOL.
Getting ready for Christmas in school!
Playing with Yurou jiejie's mask for Halloween last month haha.
Last few pictures of when i could still hide the bump haha.
Go everywhere also must "swoh" makeup haha.
Family gathering again for the November babies Jinzeng, Sanjie and Yuxuan~!!!
Sijie say i very biased cox i never did a themed birthday party for Yuxuan but truth is i don't know what character Yuxuan likes hahaha. So i promise her third birthday party i'd do one for her okay.
Omg this ugly face hahah.
Munching on bread before the party starts.
Also pretending to be pregnant like mama.
November babies~!!! Happy Birthday~!!!
Family reporting full turn out~
Suddenly BFF with niao yi becox wanna sneak some cheese balls =_="
They were in a love-hate relationship haha. One moment love until, next moment can fight until.
To occupation playground =D Her favourite was to be a doctor / mama. LOL.
Dr Meredith Tan not Grey, on duty. Lol.
Little fire fighter.
By little i mean really little haha.
Can you always be so cute and little, Meredith?!
Her favourite job - to be a mama.
Or more like to be an aunty LOL.
Peek a boo.
My little model is it haha.

Final work haha.
The first time she scribbled on the door *angry* haha. She was so proud of her "work" she walked to me and tell me "Mama, see me!" =___= So i told her cannot do that, she then tell me "not me! I don't know who" =___=" Really think mama stupid one haha.
Almost putting back on the 4kg that i lost during the first 3 months.
Under good care of Dr Law, Amelia and i started to grow better together.. I still had blood spotting at this point but it was getting less serious! =D
Hello you.. =))
You never give up on mama.. Thank you ❤︎
She chose this dress for the zoo and i had to convince her to change out of it cox it'd be so hot.
As she grow older she also grow to understand what's fear. Haha. Last two visits she not scared of the dinosaurs one. Now scared liao haha.
Clinging onto godma for dear life hahaha.
She was so scared that i thought maybe we were in.....
Ba dum tss.. =) LOL.
She wanted a picture with Inuka so we told her to pose..
She gave us this okay wth HAHAHA. You think you damn feeling it is it Meredith.
Off to find the elephant~ Is it not our blessing to have Michelle Thian in our lives. Becox the next better thing we could get in the zoo would be a buggy car but that would cost money LOL.
Omg she remember this feeding session up till today okay. She even remember what she fed the elephants and who carried her to feed the elephants haha.
Explorer Meredith strikes again haha.
Cheeky girl with one of her favourite toy, a dinosaur toy. She would use it to "bite" everyone she can.
Jigorbeh. I don't remember ANYONE gave me a horsey ride on the shoulder before you know.
To attend an event with Miya and Rach.
Meredith on point is it haha.
Another of those derp faces she makes lol.
After shower want to be baby lol.
Little baby bump says hi.
Vogue vogue weekends at home hahah.
With Yurou and Bong and NiaoNiao and my parents to go see Pokemon at the airport haha.
One with Niao Yi..
This is how you know a little kid is brought up by the grandparents. Confirm the neck bua powder gaogao, machia, want to go deep fry be tempura like this. My mum also do that to me last time ok lol.
Swimming with godma and mama at Aunty Kehlin's house! =DDD

Okay that marks the end of me being a mummy for 1 year and 8 months. Meredith is 2 years and 5 months old now, how many months do i owe my online diary man. LOL. 8 months. FML.

Bye bye~

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Qiu Qiu.. the post was really touching. It looks like you are going through some form post traumatic stress disorder, which to my knowledge is absolutely normal. It happens frequently with people who went through heavy stress over extended period of time (war, heavy disease and death of a loved one). Though it might seem that a court case if not as major as these events, it is all relative and what matters is that it shook you enough to cause the reaction now, and your feelings are equally valid. Just wanted to say that while your approach to dealing with it sounds good to start with (think, understand, process, and move on), when you see time is passing and you don't see progress, do seek help - get to some counselling, therapy. I know people are hesitant to do it, there is some stigma.. but the trauma might end up eating up your mind. In any case, I am really happy that the nightmare is over for you. All the best!

Charmaine Ng | Architecture and Lifestyle Blog said...

Sooo adorable! You are a great mother, QiuQiu! :)

Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com

Anonymous said...

hi qiuqiu, i've been a reader of yours for some time and am glad to see that you've pulled through these hard times. about whether "God" exists... it's something that i question too sometimes, especially after someone very close committed suicide recently. there was a lot of anger. and questions - questions about how God should have known that someone so good and kind was having such dark thoughts and why didn't God do something.

googled a bit about God and suffering and i came across this article: http://www.christianitytoday.com/pastors/2012/july-online-only/doesgodallowtragedy.html it helped me a bit and might answer some of your questions, but probably not all. for some things, maybe it's just an ongoing process of recovery and finding peace.

will continue to pray for you. God bless you and bring you peace.

Winda Trisuci said...

Qiuqiu, sorry I cant speak English very well, but I follow you for a long time ago, keep strong and count your blessing, I hope you can find a peace and God bless you and your family :)

The Journey

Anonymous said...

DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY STILL READ BLOGSPOT?????????

soshi andme said...

Hai Qiuqiu, I am not good in English so forgive me for all the grammatical errors.Haha. Anyway, I just started read your blog late 2014, I think before Meredith born. Reading your blog updating everything about Meredith, I feel like actually watching her growing up with my own eyes. Like she's my little niece, and she's growing up beautiful and Amelia also such a cute baby.

I've been want to write this after read some of your post before but I don't know how to say it but I think I know now.Regarding of what you said ""If you're there then show me". God is always with us. If He is not here, then all of us will dead by now. He is the life giving Spirit. I mean we still breathing isn't it? The breath of life we have now is the same breath that God breathed to Adam.

Regarding of what happened today with the war, sickness, unfair things and everything,erm. When God made humans,God gives them choices indirectly. I mean He can just order them around but He gave them choices because who actually like being order around? The choices are Trust God's definition of good and evil or seize autonomy and define good and evil for themselves. As we know, humans chose the 2nd one. Since the beginning of the earth God planned it for good but us humans planned for evil. Everyone did what was/is right in their own eyes.

These things actually really hard to understand. I also find myself asking a lot of question but strangely God always have an answers to everything.I think the point is who we ask. As for me Jesus as He said Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.(Matthew 11:28)and Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."(Matthew 7: 7-8).

I did lost a few years ago, with depression.I also thinking to end my life. Struggle is real but here I am now still alive and have found my purpose. Praise the Lord.

I recommend QiuQiu to watch The Bible Project on youtube or their website thebibleproject.com to understanding more about bible and strangely our relationship with God. Beside their videos are fun to watch.

God bless qiuqiu and family.